Thursday, October 22, 2009

ANIMAL TRAINER



AVERAGE HOURLY WAGE: $10.60

WOW FACTOR: 8

PARENTAL PRIDE QUOTIENT: 6

DANGER INDEX: VARIES DEPENDING ON ANIMAL


IS IT RIGHT FOR ME?

Animal Trainer is the perfect job for you if you love animals. And if you want to help those animals maximize their potential to be exploited for human entertainment. And if you love shorts.

Some animal trainers train dogs or monkeys to assist the blind with everyday tasks. That job scores you some great karma. And it’s a great alternative if you’ve got a problem with the exploitation. Or the shorts. Who’s gonna know?

WHAT TRAINING DO I NEED?

Almost all animal training jobs require a high school diploma or GED equivalent. But in reality, only dolphins ever check.

However, some kinds of animal training, like working with endangered species, require further training from qualified professionals (See Animal Trainer Trainer).

HOW DO I GET THE JOB?

It’s recommended that wanna-be animal trainers volunteer in animal shelters. Some of those critters are severely messed up, so you’ll have your work cut out for you. It’ll be like trying to teach an etiquette class in “Oz.”

Word to the wise: make sure you get any of your “star pupils” on video. Quickly.

UPSIDE:

Once you get good, you can tack the word “Whisperer” onto the name of whatever animal you work with, and start making some of that Cesar Millan bank.

DOWNSIDE:

Animal training is repetitious and mind-numbing work. That is, unless you work with chimps, in which case each day is an adventure. But be warned that when chimps attack, they seem to always go for the nuts. So wear a cup.

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