LUMBERJACK

AVERAGE HOURLY WAGE: $25.46

WOW FACTOR: 5

PARENTAL PRIDE QUOTIENT: 4

DANGER INDEX: 7

IS IT RIGHT FOR ME?

If you’re handy with a chainsaw, have little or no respect for living things, and can sleep at night knowing you actively contribute to the demise of the planet for a living, then “Tim-berrrrrr!” It’s time to dig those flannel shirts out of the closet. You’re ready to start dropping logs.

WHAT’S INVOLVED?

It takes a village to raze a forest. The word “logger” actually applies to a whole slew of different jobs out there in the woods:

“Fallers” are the guys who actually cut down the trees. Then “Buckers” cut the trunk into logs. Then “Chokers” wrap chains around the logs and give the high sign to the “Rigging Slingers,” who use tractors to pull the logs out of the forest to where a bunch of railroad cars are waiting.

Could there possibly be yet another occupation dedicated exclusively to dropping logs onto railroad cars? Yep. Those would be the “Loading Engineers.”

Does logging seem way more complicated than it needs to be? Does a lumberjack shit in the woods?

WHAT TRAINING DO I NEED?

Not much in the way of education, but it does help to have a strong sense of self-preservation and some foot speed, since other than the sawing, your main job requirement is not to get squashed by your work product.

Also, if you work near a college town, you can expect to come across the occasional tree-hugger chained to a trunk, spouting Thoreau -- in which case it'd help to have at least a passing familiarity with the logging industry’s talking points in the global warming debate.

HOW DO I GET THE JOB?

Apply directly to logging companies. And you’ll want to make sure you look the part, which means start growing a moustache yesterday. Here’s what you’re shooting for.

UPSIDE:

Even if you’re the new guy, bonding with your fellow loggers is a breeze, thanks to the fact that just about every other word associated with the timber industry is a juicy double entendre waiting to happen. “Wood,” “lumber,” “cutting one,” etc. For Pete’s sake, the word “log” can mean “penis” and “poo!” Rest assured: conversation will pretty much make itself.

DOWNSIDE:

Logging jobs do grow on trees, metaphorically speaking. Therefore, every tree that’s cut down is a lost opportunity for you, the aspiring lumberjack. So if this is a dream of yours, get on it.